The Black Hole

That's what the last 5 months appear to be when I try to recall them. A hole. A lot of stuff has happened, most of which I don't want to remember, and the things I do want to remember, are overshadowed by darkness and depression. It didn't start out that way. September started out with what I thought was going to be a grand, new chapter of my life. At the end of August I had been offered a new job on campus, a career job. Someone had heard of the good work I had done and wanted to offer me a new position that paid $10,000 more a year than I currently made. I had grand illusions of being a career woman, finally holding a job that I felt was worth the degree I had earned. I thought about making more money and being financially independent from the government and getting off of food stamps and child care support. I was not unhappy with my job. In fact, I loved my job and all the people around me, but the idea of a change and a career seemed, at the time, better than what I had. It all happened very quickly. I interviewed for the job on a Thursday and was offered it the next day. Before I was even offered the position, I got down on my knees and prayed hard to know that, whether or not I was offered the job, I would know the right decision to make. After I was offered the job, and prayed and pondered thoughtfully about whether or not the job would be the right choice, and I never got a bad feeling, and actually felt calm and peaceful about it. I had learned to trust and recognize the spirit early in young-adulthood, and I felt that the spirit was telling me to take the job.
   As excited as I was about the prospects on the horizon, I had a very hard time saying goodbye to my current job. I had grown close with many people there whom I truly loved and respected, and it was my first real-world job and was like a home away from home. I kept telling myself that my new job could be just like that, a home away from home. I started on September 3rd. The office dynamic was very different. The area was smaller, with fewer staff and fewer faculty. It was very quiet. I quickly became friends with a girl named Morgan, who had an office across the hall from me. We are the same age and she had only been working here for about a month longer than I had. The first few months were smooth sailing. I was acclimating to my responsibilities and enjoying the freedom of a "career" and "non-classified" position. However, I noticed some things going on outside my office that made me feel uncomfortable. The woman who hired me, I'm going to refer to her as "Head Honcho" or "HH" from now on, did not treat the staff respectfully. Several times I heard certain staff berated and bullied by HH when they had done nothing wrong. As uncomfortable as it made me, I thought that I would get past it because it wasn't directly affecting me.
 In November, it began to directly affect me. I was supposed to travel to an event in Twin Falls one day, but I had fallen ill and had a cold that made my body feel stiff and and achy, and I was running a fever and experiencing chills and hot flashes. I sent materials with another advisor to the event and stayed home to get better. The next day, HH came to my office demanding to know why I did not attend the event. I told her I was not feeling well and did not think it would be safe to drive that far and get others sick. HH then proceeded to tell me that it was my job responsibility to attend events and recruit students and that being sick was no good reason to miss the event. She then asked me about an event I had missed back at the beginning of October, which I told her I would not attend long before it even happened. I told her I was spending the day with my family. She then proceeded to tell me my family would have to be "worked around" to fulfill my job duties and that, for all future events, my job will come before my family.
   I felt like I had been hit with a ton of bricks. What had I done? The goodness I had felt about taking this job withered away in an instant as I realized that the job was not better for me or my family. I had always told myself that my family would come first, and I was so sure I would be able to put them before this job. I knew I needed to start looking for a way out as soon as possible.
   In the days and weeks that followed, HH's true character came out of the woodwork in droves. I learned that, before I started my job, she had overturned the staff and faculty in an entire office and everyone in it was newly hired this summer. I learned that she made faculty members cry on a daily basis and that she respected no one and had no sympathy. Committee meetings lasted hours longer than they needed to because  HH does not listen to other's opinions and has a "my way or the highway" philosophy. She even lobbied a personal attack against me, trying to accuse me of lying in an email I sent to my supervisor, and when I would not give in to her deceit, she tried to trick me into believing that my supervisor (who is an absolute angel) had intentionally tried to do me wrong.
   I was miserable. I hated going to work. It was hard not knowing what days you were going to get yelled at and what days you weren't. I thought about the people who had warned me before I accepted the job. Yes, I had been warned, but ignored the warnings because I (naively) thought they were biased and because of the feeling I got when I prayed about the job. Then that got me wondering. There MUST be a reason why I am here. If I got a good feeling about taking the job when I prayed, then there must be something I have to learn. Well, I certainly was learning. A lot. I was learning that money isn't everything. It wasn't the only reason I took the job, but we were no better off financially with my new salary than we were with my old salary. We lost food stamps and child care support, but I did not make enough in my new paycheck to cover the help we had lost. I learned how I really felt about having a career. I realized that I don't want to be a career woman, not really, and at some point in the future I want to be a stay at home mom and play the biggest part I can in raising my children. They are my light and always on my mind when I am at work.  I learned that I took for granted my previous job, and the fact that I was very well treated and cared for. I knew that before I left, but I thought (again, naively) that that was what the job world must be like everywhere, and I would certainly be able to find that happiness again. In part, I did. If I hadn't taken this job, I wouldn't know the awesome people who work here, and there really are some awesome people. The faculty and staff where I work are amazing and kind and funny and gracious. When we come together, we make a great team. The only problem is that HH has all power, and no one, not one person, has a voice that is louder or an action that is stronger than what HH can do.
   And so it has been and continues to be. I have had no luck in finding another job. I have to stay on campus until Jared graduates so that he can get the cheaper credit fees. My coworkers are also searching for other jobs, but there is just nothing currently open on campus, so we are stuck. And I know, the longer I am here, the longer the lesson is burned into my mind. The Lord knows what he is doing, and he knows me more than I know myself. He knew I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and not a career woman before I did, and he knew that something in my life had to be changed to show me that. He is teaching me patience and gratitude. While I patiently wait to see what is coming in the future, I am grateful that I am living, that I am healthy and able to work to support my husband while he finishes school, and to support my children.

Another reason this blog is titled the way it is is because, during the last several months, my marriage suffered as well. I have felt for a long time that my marriage was suffering, and I know that sounds bad, but every marriage has ups and downs, good times and bad, and so it is what I have lived with for a long time. When I started to be unhappy at work, I don't know if it carried over into my home (I really tried to prevent it) or if my husband was struggling with school work, but things started going downhill rather quickly. I never wanted to be home. Or I should say, I loved being home with my children, but would prefer my husband not be there. It makes me sad to admit that, but it was true. I am not going to type a list of what I could say were my husband's short comings, but I will say that it was hard on me to watch my husband treat our children the way he did. And when I ever spoke up, I got accused of getting in the way of his discipline. Not only was I miserable at work, I was miserable at home, and at night when I was tucking my children into their beds I found myself telling them that I was sorry for how daddy yelled or for what daddy said, and I had to hear my children tell me that they didn't like daddy and they thought he was mean. I know children say things like that all the time when they think parents are being unfair, but I could not disagree with my children.
  About a year ago, my husband's sister sent him a book titled, "Christlike Parenting". I thought it was a nice gesture at the time, but it hit me at a much later date that there was a reason they sent it to him. I have been slowly reading it for the past 6 months and have highlighted and bookmarked several sections. It is an amazing book. Unfortunately, I cannot get my husband to read it. I try to reinforce the teachings of the book when I am at home, but it is hard when only one parent is doing it. Last week, I decided to confront my husband and tell him how I was feeling, how I don't feel like we are working together to be Christlike parents, and how I don't feel that he respects me and the children like he should. I admitted that I don't like to be home. I told him that he spends too much time on the computer. I completely deflated like a balloon, like a water balloon for all the tears that were spilling out of me. I told him, if things didn't change, I don't know how much longer I could hang on. He then offered a suggestion that caught me by surprise. He told me that, every day, he would get up and get ready for the day at the same time I did, even when he didn't have anywhere to go that day. He suggested that we read scriptures with the children every morning before we leave the house and every night before we go to bed, and have family prayers. At first I was skeptical, because I didn't know if it would work, or I really wanted to believe it would work, but I didn't think he could actually get it going or keep it going long enough to see results. We started it on Monday, and this week has been very nice. I feel like my husband and I are closer than we have been in a long time. The computer isn't on when I am home. The TV is on less. We are spending more time with our children. My husband has been speaking with more respect to me and to our children. I am really hoping that becoming closer with each other and with the Lord will help us work this out. It is hard not to become another divorce statistic. I always thought how easy it would be to not be unhappy, and to just be me and the kids. I have had several concerned loved ones tell me I don't have to live the way I do and that I shouldn't be treated the way I was. It seemed so easy. But life is not about taking the easy way out.